I hate your face
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
