where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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