I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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