don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
