I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
