I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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