The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
