im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
