meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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