You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
