I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
