my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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