just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
