Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
