worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize