Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
