I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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