why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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