I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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