I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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