Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
