My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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