Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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