Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
