Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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