It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
birth control should be required to get into college
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
