You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
