Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You may now shotgun with the bride
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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