She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
