the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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