Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He passed out mid-signature
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
