I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
