the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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