I cannot find my penis.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
