I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
