Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
