I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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