All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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