at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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