found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
