Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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