Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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