Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize