Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize