i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
