3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
