oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
