I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Randomize
