I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
