Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
