I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
