he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
