I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
