I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
