I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize