he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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