I heard we made out
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
