even my farts smell like vagina
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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