Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
