Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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