I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
