I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
