Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
