My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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