hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
