Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
