Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
