So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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