Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
